News from St Humbug’s
The latest report on academic and sporting achievement from the nation’s leading public school.
Fifth form celebrates exam results
Congratulations to the fifth form on a stunning set of results in the authorisation mock GCSEs. Eight pupils received a distinction and enjoyed a celebratory glass of sherry with Mr Nicholson in the headmaster’s study. Most other pupils achieved merits with conditions and are expected to make steady progress to the upper school subject to regular homework checks by the heads of department. A handful of pupils appear to have revised for the wrong exam and will have to take resits.
No winners in the cross-country
The inter-school cross-country was plagued with problems for the second year in succession. Run over the new landscape designed by former head of games Mr Lansley, the course appeared to confuse many of the runners who went off in several different directions or failed to make it to the starting line. Contestants from private schools complained that the playing field was not level and favoured the St Humbug’s old boys’ team. New head of games Mr Hunt promised to simplify the course in time for next year’s race by moving the goalposts or removing them altogether.
The school play
The St Humbug’s Players staged a rousing production of Oliver to raise money for the school restoration fund. In a new twist to the story, Oliver is the boy who says: “Please sir, can we have more for less?” Thanks to head of drama Mr Easton, who leaves St H at the end of term, for making gruel a regular part of school life.
Farewell to Mrs Bakewell
Mrs Bakewell, head of PCT studies, is leaving after 42 years to concentrate on her home-made jam business. We won’t be seeing the last of Mrs B, who has agreed to come back on a part-time basis to teach the new CSU course to remedial students in the lower CCG grades.
Under new management
Mr Nicholson sent a letter to parents reminding them that he is still planning to hand over running of the school to the third form at the end of the spring term.
“As a precautionary measure we’ve increased the board of governors from half a dozen retired folk to three thousand former NHS managers and civil servants,” he said.